ALTERNATIVE HASH STATS

First Runners Home: 2 hours 15 minutes
Last Runners Home: 3 hours
Minimum Altitude: 1250m
Maximum Altitude: 1850m
Paper used: 17 pieces

A run like this deserves an interesting, literate and laudatory account. Sadly, the hash possesses no scribes that can fulfill such requirements and no others who can be readily coerced into writing such tripe (witness Griot two weeks ago), so you're stuck with me.

The Master managed to call the circle to order at 15.05, way before everyone had arrived, and proceeded to explain to the virgins what was going on. Then the Hares came in and explained what was really going on. Not that they knew either, as magnetised needles were handed out in an effort to reassure the pack that even if they got lost they would be able to find their way back by knowing where north was. Difficult to know without such technology as there was a bloody great hill immediately north of us blocking any possible sight of the north pole.

The run account will certainly be different, both from the usual style of account and from the run experienced by the rest of the pack. Being the first to find paper, I found at least 200 metres worth before it disappeared for at least a period of 25 minutes, by which time I was way behind the pack. Eventually the pack was caught in time to embark on the serious climb from a cute little temple where Holding Check 3 had apparently been (but clearly no-one waited for me). The initial trail from the check was familiar for those who had been on one of Run Crafty and Yogi's earlier events in the area, but only up to the point where this week's Hare managed to get lost and decided to simply head for the nearest vantage point some 600 metres above to see where he was. Holding Check 4 - the first check that I actually saw - was some way up yet another slippery climb over pine needles in a small clearing, with Check 5 following the rest of the climb at the road up to a well-defended army camp. A false trail from here took some of the pack on the road back down before I found Holding Check 6 at a sentry post. Credit must go to the Hares for arranging the first ever holding check where the pack was held at gunpoint, but not for the ensuing debacle which saw him and Grumblewald almost getting shot when trying to follow the paper that had been laid through the camp. In the absence of the necessary written agreement with the morning guards (MSF having difficulty obtaining these from men with guns under their current policy) it was "on-back" not "On On". Since we were one and a half hours into the run and still heading away from the beer (which was clearly visible from Check 6) the idea of a more direct return was appealing to most.

There then followed an enormous descent down the road past numerous more men with guns before the Hare led us to a check. I have no idea what number it was and suspect that the Hare didn't either. The pack was well spread out by now and, finding paper fairly quickly, I allowed Grumblewald to lead me astray completely after we ran off the paper. Despite our somewhat circuitous return we still managed to be the first runner home in around 2 hours 15 minutes (in which time Fast Forward should be able to run 26 miles 385 yards). Others straggled in over the next 45 minutes from a variety of directions, some on the in trail, some on the walkers' out trail.

In the meantime, the Walkers were pleased to be set a challenge as well, having their own trail complete with checks and false trails. It would appear that Rewind had managed to lay sufficient paper for the walking pack to find their way without trouble for a sensible one and a half hour walk. I simply cannot understand what drives Hares like Fast Forward and Keeled Over to set these marathons!

The Master called the circle to order and, after the usual complaints of too short and too flat, the Hares were swiftly awarded a score of 1850 in celebration of the maximum altitude achieved by the runners.

Virgins were John and Anne, both visiting family members of the hash Belgians, along with Anupam who is the Mayor's nephew and appeared to be something to do with MSF although he did not admit it. In gratitude for the Master's generosity in providing him with a free mug of beer, John made the mistake of saying thank you, and promptly received another one.

Newcomers Kirsty and Fluffy Dog are here to take care of husband Phil - more Canadians to contend with. Fast Forward was given one for false accusations of new shoes against the Sane Dane.

Visitors Jonathan and The Vicar were mistakenly heralded as returnees, just because they've been here before. The Vicar produced a singularly short version of the hash song, presumably devised in Oslo of necessity, as we all know the Norwegians cannot be arsed wasting time on things other than drinking. Real returnees were belatedly called in shortly afterwards. I confess to having no idea who the two delightful ladies were.

Keeled Over then managed to produce a remarkably small bottle of Junta Beer fresh from his trip to Myanmar, which he alleged was beneficial to ageing. Why he selected people like Towed and Rotter to receive the benefits of this ambrosia when Grumblewald was still in the circle is not understood.

When it came to the award of the Hashit, there was no hesitation in immediately awarding it to sole nominee Fast Forward, but there first had to be a down-down to Griot for anticipating the song and then a further one in acknowledgments of his achievements in providing trash only two weeks after the event. FF was then allowed his down-down in peace and social drinking declared.

Thanks to the Hares for an exhausting run and to Mrs Rotter for the usual Hash catering.